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Friday, November 19, 2010

Top 7 Reasons Why Cosplayers are Pathetic

They are horrible performers. Have you seen those group cosplay skits? They're mostly retarded acts filled with appalling fight scenes and the occasional horrible dance number. Watching them is like listening to an old bad joke over and over again; hearing the crowd roar to their antics is truly a mind-boggling experience.

They live for the big day. Most cosplayers are either students or professionals who wish their boring daily lives were replaced by non-stop dress-up parties. Since that's not possible, they instead spend their days saving money so they can afford their elaborate outfits and extravagant make-up kits. They invest hours into planning and ironing details out, only for *that* big day - the cosplay convention. If you can see the cycle here, you can pretty much imagine what the life of a cosplayer is like.

They fuss over the smallest things. You'd think only kids fight over candy or spilled milk, but you're wrong. Cosplayers kill each other over the silliest reasons - be it imperfections of judges during competitions, bias for kids in costume, proper forum etiquette (they are completely anal about this), rules of engagement in conventions, acceptability of "original" costumes, Alodia's measurements and whether she went through plastic surgery, the list goes on.

They bastardize cosplay. In our country, "cosplay" is strutting your stuff on stage in costume while it's "costripping" if you merely join an event dressed up as a fictional character. Cosplayers are hypocrites in their own ways. Despite claiming they understand the craft, most forget that cosplaying at its core is becoming the character you want to be. I'm no authority in this, but go ask legitimate otaku if you wish. Well, who cares as long as people can dress up as Pedobear or Italian plumbers, right?

They are socially retarded. It's no secret that otaku, nerds and whatnot are socially inept; cosplayers fall under a subbranch of those categories. so they're on the same boat. Typically, cosplayers are either the introverted loners who only talk in class when asked by the teacher, or the big attention-whoring losers who try very hard to be funny in front of a crowd despite being completely devoid of humor. They have questionable fashion choices they claim to be a means of expression, but they're just in denial and desperately trying to be different. You know those cosplayers who stick together like buddies for life? They hardly know each other, and formed their groups online.
They plague the Internet. Being the social retards that they are, cosplayers resolve to the highway of information to unleash their pent-up frustrations and requisition their social needs. They live within social networking websites, making friends they hardly know and Plurking or Twittering to their online buddies the most inane activities they do in their boring lives. Aware that the real world isn't nice enough for their kind, cosplayers saturate Multiply and DeviantArt with photos hoping other cosplayers will pat their backs and make them feel good as they do the same.

They don't do the nasty in costume. Cosplayers pimp themselves out like prom kings and queens but never offer real service. If they at least satisfied their lovers' fantasies, maybe they won't be less useful than a plastic frying pan as they already are. Elitist purists would say they don't want to taint the "art", but that's just stupid. I personally would love a blowjob from a female Godzilla, or stick it up Kamen Raider's behind. Just imagine the tales you'll tell when you're old and senile - "Tol, naaalala mo ba si Mask Rider Black? Tinira ko yun sa pwet."